What Is a “Silent Divorce” and What Are the Signs?
Married couples who no longer have an emotional connection with each other but stay together for financial or other reasons may experience a so-called “silent divorce.”
When Carly got married, she and her husband didn’t argue much. When problems in their marriage began, they tried to solve them using workbooks for couples, reports N1.si.
“I just kept quiet because communication was really hard,” Carly described. “He was more silently dismissive and had a passive-aggressive approach, and I probably was the same.”
At one point, she asked him to move out of their home in Tampa, Florida. But he said no. He moved his things into the guest room and started sleeping there.
After a year of sleeping in separate bedrooms, they decided to divorce. Until then, they were still living under the same roof, raising their daughter together, and outwardly behaving like a couple.
“Over a year, he became a stranger to me, someone I was still married to and living with, and then we got divorced,” Carly said. Although the legal process followed later, in reality, they were experiencing a so-called silent divorce, writes CNN.
What Is a Silent Divorce?
Couples in this situation no longer feel connected to each other but still stay together due to financial or other reasons, explained mental health counselor Stephanie Moir for CNN.
“Silent divorce means they are not legally separated, but they are already emotionally, mentally, and somewhat physically distant from each other,” Moir described. “It’s something each person experiences internally—it’s not recorded on paper and often not shared with anyone else. So it can be very lonely,” she added.
We often hear that marriage is something you have to work on. “If you don’t work on your marriage, it can lead to emotional detachment, where you and your partner are simply no longer on the same wavelength,” she advised.
Signs that partners are in a silent divorce include no longer sharing common goals, taking separate vacations, or avoiding joint events.
Another clear sign is a prolonged lack of physical intimacy—either the partners no longer have sexual relations, or the touching and affection that used to be normal are now gone, the counselor adds.
Lisa Lavelle, a licensed social worker, psychotherapist, and couples therapist, said she often encounters couples in a silent divorce. “Outwardly, they may appear fine—they are great parents and manage daily responsibilities well, but the emotional connection is missing,” she said.
“One of the first warning signs I see in couples on the brink of or already in a silent divorce is the feeling that they’re more like roommates than romantic partners. The roles of mother and father take center stage—not husband and wife or partners,” Lavelle explained.
While all couples occasionally feel emotionally distant, the problem becomes serious when they don’t talk about it and can’t reconnect.
The lack of physical intimacy is also a clear sign of trouble, Lavelle says. But she warns that a silent divorce should not be confused with so-called “sleep divorce”—when couples sleep separately due to snoring or other health or comfort reasons.
“If you’re dealing with issues like snoring or sleep apnea, sleeping in separate rooms can actually help preserve your relationship,” she advised.
Arguments Have Meaning
A silent divorce can also be a relief in some ways, Lavelle says, because couples who previously fought often no longer argue. But arguments serve a purpose in relationships, noted mental health counselor Justin Ho.
“Although it sounds dysfunctional, arguments often mean that we disagree right now, that we don’t see things the same way—but at the same time, we’re trying to explain our viewpoint to our partner,” he said. For some couples, fighting can mean they still care about the relationship.
However, couples in a silent divorce may stop arguing because they no longer care, Lavelle added. “These are couples who only talk about logistics, like what’s for dinner. But they no longer talk about anything truly important or uncomfortable,” she described.
Couples in a silent divorce experience emotional alienation that can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and resentment, said Ho. For couples with children who witness the situation, the resulting harm must also be considered. A silent divorce can lead to unmet needs not only for adults but for children as well, Ho warned.
“Children may feel like they have to pick sides or feel neglected because they don’t have that unified parental image to rely on,” he explained.
Couples should also consider the financial implications of insisting on a silent divorce instead of making it official, counselors say. As long as a couple is married, they are financially responsible for each other.
If you realize you may be in a silent divorce, Ho advises sitting down and opening a conversation with your partner. Such a conversation may be uncomfortable, but it’s also an opportunity to determine whether you still want to save the relationship. Even silence has consequences.
“Resentment over parenting, finances, in-laws—when these issues are swept under the rug and not talked about, at least one side begins to feel resentment toward the other and loses the will to try,” Lavelle explained.
The longer grievances remain unresolved, the harder they are to fix, Lavelle added. Therefore, getting help from a therapist can be very beneficial.
“People often assume therapy is about fixing the relationship—and that can certainly be true. But the primary goal of therapy is to help couples talk about the unspoken or uncomfortable issues so they can make more informed decisions about their relationship,” she added.
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