What I Learned After a Year Without Sex
After a series of unhealthy and complicated relationships, author Melissa Febos decided to try something new — voluntary celibacy.
Her initial goal was to go three months. No sex, no flirting. Three months turned into another three, and then another. Before she knew it, a whole year had passed in celibacy.
Today, she says it was the best time of her life.
Febos spoke with Austin Cross on AirTalk about her year without sex, which she describes in detail in her new book The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex.
On the website laist.com, she shares what she learned from the experience.
Celibacy as a Good Period
What happens when you remove sex from your life? For Febos, it meant suddenly having more time for herself, her family, and her friends. She had more time to be creative and to get to know herself in ways she never had before.
"After just a few days, no more than a week, I realized I was actually doing great," she said — which is what convinced her to continue beyond her original goal.
Intimacy Is a Collection of Experiences
What is intimacy, and where do we find it? That was a key question on her journey. One of the most important lessons she learned had to do with her habit of withholding “the full reality of who she truly was” in relationships.
“I had to become the right person before I could find the right person,” she said.
During her year without sex, Febos began to view intimacy as something active — something that could be practiced daily, not just with others, but with herself. And that practice? Honesty with herself.
Society Has Failed Us
We often consider ourselves failures when relationships fall apart, but what if society is actually setting us up to fail? As young women, we are taught to seek our self-worth through love, romance, and sex. We’re told to be attractive and worthy of love.
After nearly 20 years in back-to-back monogamous relationships, trying to be the heroine of her own romantic comedy, it all came crashing down.
“A catastrophic relationship, followed by an even worse breakup” was the final straw. When she let go of the image of who she thought she should be, she began creating a new version of herself — the one she truly wanted.
By the end of her celibate year, Febos was so content with herself that she seriously considered never being in a relationship again. But toward the end of that year, she met someone. They've now been married for nine years. Would it have worked without that year of celibacy?
“Not a chance,” she said.
